


When Times Get Tough, Some Things Have to Go: First on the List, That Friend Who Spends Way Too Long Looking at Every Store They Come Across

by Official_Biscuit_Moron



Category: Gintama
Genre: Gen, Shopping, elizabeth being a good friend, zura being annoying, zura relentlessly dissing the government
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Official_Biscuit_Moron/pseuds/Official_Biscuit_Moron
Summary: “Elizabeth, what do you think of this one?” Katsura asks, gesturing Elizabeth over urgently. He doesn’t bother to look at the proffered sign (which reads, "I don’t know, Katsura-san. It looks an awful lot like the last forty you just showed me.."), instead continuing, “I don’t like it. I don’t like it, and I’ll tell you why. You see the branding, Elizabeth? The labeling? Do you see it?”"Yes," Elizabeth signs. “What about it?”“Frankly, Elizabeth,” Katsura says, taking a deep, preparatory breath, “it’s false advertising."/ / /Aka Zura and Elizabeth go shopping!
Relationships: Katsura Kotarou & Elizabeth
Comments: 13
Kudos: 18





	When Times Get Tough, Some Things Have to Go: First on the List, That Friend Who Spends Way Too Long Looking at Every Store They Come Across

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pearthery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearthery/gifts).



> for the lovely pearthery! 
> 
> Give Me Affordable Dandruff Shampoo: A Zura Monologue

“Elizabeth, what do you think of this one?” Katsura asks, gesturing Elizabeth over urgently. He doesn’t bother to look at the proffered sign (which reads "I don’t know, Katsura-san. It looks an awful lot like the last forty you just showed me.."), instead continuing, “I don’t like it. I don’t like it, and I’ll tell you why. You see the branding, Elizabeth? The labeling? Do you see it?”

"Yes," Elizabeth signs. “What about it?”

“Frankly, Elizabeth,” Katsura says, taking a deep, preparatory breath, “it’s false advertising. You see how it says— _look,_ Elizabeth, you know I can tell when you’re not looking—‘new hair within 10 washes?’”

Elizabeth stares at him.

Unperturbed, Katsura perseveres, like any true samurai should. “This is definitely false advertising. I could understand, if it were that brand we usually get, that isn’t being stocked anymore—what was it, Elizabeth? No, don’t tell me, I’ll think of it—but how could anyone possibly get _new hair_ from 10 washes with off-brand, government-sponsored shampoo?”

Elizabeth holds up a sign. If Katsura would've read it—which he didn’t—he would’ve observed that it described the exact brand, price, and location of his favorite shampoo, which, to Elizabeth’s reliably thorough and accurate knowledge, _was_ still being stocked somewhere. However, even if he _had_ read it—which he hadn’t—he still would’ve pursued his futile conquest of the Oedo Store's shampoo aisle. The somewhere that his favorite shampoo was miraculously still being stocked at wasn’t the local convenience store, and anywhere farther than the local convenience store just wasn’t local or convenient enough for Katsura to go there.

Katsura looks at the shampoo bottle in his hand, deeply disturbed. “That’s another thing—it’s government-sponsored. Government-sponsored hygiene products. I never thought I’d see the day. The Bakufu’s cruel talons have sunk themselves deeply into our society, Elizabeth.”

He shakes his head wisely. Elizabeth refrains from asking if, when he says ‘government-sponsored,’ Katsura’s referring to the small sticker on the side of the bottle that indicates it’s been approved as safe for humans by the Bakufu’s cosmetic association. Katsura-san’s on a roll, Elizabeth thinks, staying politely sign-free. It wouldn’t do to interrupt him.

Feeling rebellious, Katsura waves the bottle around in the air, voice rapidly approaching the insufferable volume it takes on whenever he gets excited. “I should teach them a lesson, I really should. Who is the Bakufu to put their mark on our haircare products! Who is the Bakufu to put their mark on our lives! Japan is a free nation, a noble nation of samurai—like you and me, Elizabeth! Who are they to crush our dreams of having perfect, long, silky, dandruff-free hair! Although you don’t have hair. But _I_ have hair. It pains me to be exclusionary, and for that, I am sorry, but you have to understand; I, as the leader of the Joui rebels and the future leader of our country, after it is reborn, cannot afford to lose the fight against the Bakufu—or my dandruff. I think that’s why this shampoo costs 984 yen. Those bastards... The Bakufu have discovered the legend once known as Runaway Kotaro’s one and only weakness. Not that I have any weaknesses, of course.”

"Katsura-san, you’re drawing quite a lot of attention. That’s probably not a good idea," Elizabeth signs, but Katsura has his eyes closed in a fit of passion, so he doesn’t see. Wow, Elizabeth thinks—he’s really getting into it.

“The Bakufu is maliciously abusing their power and influence over Japan’s haircare industry,” Katsura says heatedly. “Raising prices to an unreasonable cost that poor, out of work samurai couldn't possibly afford—and who do you think is to blame for the thousands of unemployed ronin all across Japan! Who! Who is it! Who is it, tell me, Elizabeth! Yes- yes, that's right, my noble comrade. It's the- wait. One moment, Elizabeth, I think my eyes might be malfunctioning. Forgive me."

He reads Elizabeth's sign twice more, trying to wrap his head around it.

"..What? _E..Elizabeth!!_ _No_ , it's not the _samurai's_ fault, what kind of Joui rebel are you?! It's the Bakufu! The _Bakufu,_ Elizabeth! They're making shampoo, a basic necessity for every samurai—or at least, every decent samurai, seeing as anyone who doesn’t use shampoo is a disgusting government pig and deserves to die a painful, horrible, terrible dea—oh. Oh, sorry, Elizabeth, I thought it was understood that you’re excluded from any and all negative comments I make toward beings who do not use shampoo. Did I hurt your feelings?” Elizabeth nods, encouraging the tangent. “...I hurt your feelings? My sincerest apologies, Elizabeth. I'm terribly sorry. That was unkind of me. I was still a bit frustrated by your last comment. You are a fine comrade, whether or not you use shampoo, and the Joui faction and I will always support you—even though you don’t use shampoo—in all of your ventures. It’s not like shampoo is all _that_ important—although, it is—so it’s completely fine that you don’t use it. Shampoo..” Katsura thinks about it, trying quietly to puzzle it out. “That reminds me. Elizabeth, where was I?”

"I believe we were just about to exit the store," Elizabeth signs.

"Really? I thought I might've been in the middle of a rather involved speech. My heart is beating excitedly, which always happens when I give an especially moving address. Are you sure?"

"Yes," Elizabeth signs. "We were about to leave and go ask your permy friend to borrow some shampoo."

“Ah." Katsura chews on this for a long moment, tapping one finger against his chin, then his eyes light up and he lets out a booming laugh. "Oh- You’re right, Elizabeth! We were about to go borrow some shampoo from Gintoki! I do hope he'll let me borrow some—maybe if I promise to get him the new Shiroyasha plushie we've got in the works? I think he'll like that. Thank you for reminding me, Elizabeth. I remember it clearly, now. I’ve never remembered anything more clearly. I remember it like it was yesterday—or, well, like it was a few moments ago, which it was. I- Wait. What’s this?” he asks, upon seeing the shampoo bottle clutched tightly in his fist. “Elizabeth, who put this here?”

Elizabeth grabs him by the arm, pries the bottle from his grip, and sets it back on the shelf, effortlessly maneuvering them down the haircare aisle and out of the store.

**Author's Note:**

> give him affordable dandruff shampoo!!!!!!!!
> 
> (hey hey! petition to sign to support blm: http://chng.it/FK92LWYqNX)


End file.
